*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The government even made aliens boring
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I pray every night that I never become religious…