One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up