[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
You Might Also Like
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Somebody call the cops.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.