the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
prepare for carbonated trouble
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Okay me first
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Goodnight 🐶
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.