Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Well, that didn’t work.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!