Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
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Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.