Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Well, this explains it:
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.