Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.