I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.