9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Nothing.
Natty or not?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.