Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
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Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
What Bob, you’re interrupting.