I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
White parent Vs Arab parents
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]