Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Spotted in New Orleans.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.