[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
You Might Also Like
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.