People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops