This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.