Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Beware of the “party goblin”…
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are