I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My birth announcement for our third baby
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
we did it you guys we saved daylight
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”