Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!