Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.