Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
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“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
get you a girl who
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey