[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
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if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Milk Cube
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.