If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
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I’d love this…lol
next level snooze
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
584.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak