Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
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Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”