The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*