Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
some things should go without saying
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.