I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
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A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Mornin
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.