I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”