Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings