Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.