Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
We need more people like this.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me