Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
So we got a goldfish…
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful