I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
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I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
OMG 🤣🤣
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose