Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
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if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.