Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
WTF
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.