I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.