Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo