[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her