I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Every time.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Tier 3 meme
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.