I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
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My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
A ghost story
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.