Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.