[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
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In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Don’t talk down to me
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater