don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?