Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
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She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Need this in my life lol
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.