{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
every college guy’s fridge
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show