If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
You Might Also Like
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
This forever.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.