I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
titanic
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.