me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
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[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.