My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
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2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.