Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*